Offer The Last Cupcake
When my kids were small, if they wanted the last cupcake, I would always give it to them, even if I really wanted it. I remember my mother doing the same. And I still do the same, though my kids are older now.
Everyone parents differently. This is my approach. If my kids are interested in manatees, I will find a way to get them to San Diego to an event called “Sleeping with the Manatees” where they will have an after-hours tour and we will spend the night in thin Wal-Mart sleeping bags on a cold cement floor with huge graceful manatees floating around us in the all-glass warm water tank behind us. If they are interested in astronomy, I will make sure they meet astronomers and look through huge telescopes. My job is to open space for learning and lighting fires under what THEY are interested in, not me.
When Emma was a young teenager, she loved horses and rode at a barn, taking lessons each week. We had no money, but we bought her a horse named Matty, paying $25 a month until he was paid for. We had no business doing that. It made no rational or financial sense. And it was the best thing we could have done for her. She spent her teen years hanging out at the barn, being responsible for another being, not hanging out at the mall. She took Matty to college with her.
And now Feliks’ life has also been forever changed by horses. His trainer told us recently that Feliks has taken Eeb as far as he can go. At his age (19), Eeb is never going to jump over 2’6” and Feliks wants to do much more. It has been a spectacular partnership—and, as his trainer said, “Eeb was exactly the right horse for Feliks to start with, but Feliks has come a long way and needs more of a challenge now.”
As you can imagine, this has been agonizing for Feliks. He loves Eeb so much.
I have an automatic savings account that takes small roundups from my checking account, all of which add up over time. This was to be my “home improvement” and “dental work” stash. I don’t check very often to see how much is in there, but I did last week and it was almost exactly what we needed for a 7-year old mare the trainer found—a young and athletic horse who needs training. It was just as irrational as buying Eeb and I always trust that the dividends will be even greater. It will be a big challenge for Feliks and he is ready for it. Eeb will remain at the barn to help other kids learn the basics, so Feliks will still have him in his life.
Say hi to Rigby (photo above). She is the equivalent of giving your kid the last cupcake and I will always choose that generosity when it matters so much. And I know this will be like a new job for Feliks—he is expected to be at the barn six days a week for her.
Parent is an action verb, my friends. And we have to take our cues from what our children want, not what we want. Did I want to “sleep” on a freezing concrete floor to watch manatees roll around in warm water all night? It wasn’t at the top of my list, no, but man, it was fantastic and Emma and I will have that memory forever. Give away cupcakes in whatever way you can.
