How To Survive The Holidays

I haven’t been writing much lately.

I haven’t written on 37days since September 14th, and even that was a repeat of a story from 2006.

Why?

We sold our house, bought a house, and moved in September. It was a process not without complication, but the end result is that I am in a smaller, simpler place with fewer things and more love. My “Design Your Life Camp” started two days after the move. In all the photos from Camp, I look exhausted. It was a combination of exhilaration from both the move and the magic of Camp, but exhausted nonetheless.

So I’ve given myself some time to rest, to clear my mind, to regroup. And to acknowledge that part of my paralysis is depression; I haven’t fallen far from the tree in that regard.

I am using this month to regroup—are you? We are leaving behind the mania of Christmas buying: We have what we need. I’m focused on enjoying these days in which we say goodbye to 2013, on having both of our kids home, of navigating into a new, less complicated season in front of the fire.

What are your hopes for these holidays?

Sometimes holidays bring us together in family gatherings that amplify old patterns, don’t they? Here are five ways to not only tolerate those gatherings, but to enjoy them:

1) Let go of perfection. You are not perfect and neither is your family. Neither is the relationship between you and them, likely. It’s possible they are as baffled by you as you are by them. I used to envy my friend Lee’s close-knit family that would come together from around the country for Rosh Hashanah and other important Jewish holidays—and they would talk about ideas long into the night, all generations gathered together. The more I wished for that family, the more I suffered. Appreciating what they had, and learning from it, was enough, I finally realized. I didn’t need to recreate that or wish for that. I could let go of my ideal of that as perfection, and love my perfectly imperfect family instead because this is what is.

2) Be an adult. There may be people in your family who push every button you have. They may consciously or unconsciously put you down or belittle who you are in the world. They may be unwilling or unable to see you as an adult and not a child any longer. That’s okay. YOU know you are an adult and that you can respond in adult ways. You can’t change them; you can only change your reaction to them. Notice when you are falling back into child patterns, take a deep breath, and respond as an adult.

3) Ask “what would love do?” When those buttons are pushed, ask yourself one simple question: “What would love do?” Sometimes love would smile and nod and move to another corner of the room for some Tang hot tea mix that your mother only makes at Christmas. Sometimes love would respond gently but firmly, letting others know your clear boundaries, without judgment: “I really appreciate your curiosity, but that isn’t a subject I will discuss with you at this time.” Notice how clear that is. It isn’t, “that isn’t a subject I want to discuss with you,” it is “that isn’t a subject I will discuss with you.” Big difference.

4) Give up being a victim: It is really easy to fall into the “I have to do this” or “they expect me to do this” or even the “I can’t do this” mentality during the holidays. Parties or gatherings you’d rather not go to, buying presents for 50 people you don’t know well, and many more “I have to” statements come up at the holidays. The fact is that you don’t have to, you are choosing to and using language that makes it seem as if you are coerced into doing it. Try this for one day: Every time you hear yourself saying or thinking “I have to….” replace it with “I am choosing to.” Every time you hear yourself saying or thinking “I can’t,” replace it with “I am choosing not to.” You are fully in charge of all your choices; don’t abdicate that responsibility to someone else.

5) If all else fails, pretend you are a novelist: What if your job at family (or other) gatherings was to make mental note of all the characters there as if you were a novelist and they were characters in your new book? How does Aunt Ruby tilt her head when talking, and why? How would you describe that in your novel? When Cousin Elbert turns the TV on in the middle of a dinner party, what happens? How do the other characters respond? Be an investigator of human nature, a watcher. How would you describe the characters? How would your readers know what those characters care about?

What are your strategies for enjoying the holidays? Share those in the comments below for others to learn from!

May this season bring you every joy you want.

Love,